Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
