there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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