Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
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