Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
This is my gift to your gina
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Randomize
