Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Randomize
