I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
you traded sex for a burrito?
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize
