I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Randomize
