yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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