Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Randomize
