So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
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