She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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