I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
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