can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
One more sleep until playoffs, Canucks are back this year, you bet your ass I'm going to uphold the tradition of being the 90 lb girl that fights every hairy ass Bruins fan at BWW.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
