This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
