He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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