I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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