mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Randomize
