I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Randomize
