For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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