You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize
