life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
Is it morally objectionable to repay my debt to society with drug money?
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
