I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Randomize