Your mouth is God's brothel.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Randomize
