I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize