She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Randomize
