I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
