At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Randomize
