Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
We were destined to go to rehab together
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do