The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
