Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
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She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
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if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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