just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
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