I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
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At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
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I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
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