my room smells like sperm. sweet.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
