i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Randomize
