so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
