Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
