Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
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