you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Randomize
