yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Randomize
