Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
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