ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
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