Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
you would pick up someone in the library
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
We're too hungover to prance.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
