Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
