well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
