Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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