you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
