I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
I am available for nakedness
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
