Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
My balls are so social today.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
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