I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
