remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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