My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Randomize
