thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
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