Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Randomize
