Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
