Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
