I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
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