She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
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